Well you were nine when we took you in. I sincerely wanted to give you what I didnt have or get to have when I was a child. Direction, security, and attention to what you would need in order to be a success in this world.
I had my problems, lack of ability to show affection, hindered access to the right words to say, at the right time. However; I changed my life to give you one. Made sure that you were busy, karate, school, and other activities which helped keep you busy. Why? Well that is what I needed to stay sane. I need activities to think about, and to want to achieve in. This keeps me level. I assumed that since we were blood it would help you. I see me in you. The manipulation, the depression, uncertainty, and desire to fit in, and be somebody.
I wouldnt have you taking the same road as me, as a parent isnt it my responsibility to assure that you dont? Smoking, drugs, lack of respect for people and myself, low self esteem, and no desire to think past NOW. Not looking into the future and understanding that everything you do now echoes in eternity is a sure fire way of failing, or creating a path so difficult that you are setting yourself up for failure.
Why would the way your Mother and I were raised be so attractive to you, that hurt the most. You had the opportunity to have it all. Your StepMother was certainly challenged too. Having to take you in as her own, and battle with the fact that your respect for her was minimal. You guys ended up disliking each other up until you decided you had enough and stole from me and ran away. Ever since then the ONLY time you have called is when you needed something.
You detached completely (another trait most likely from me) and went on your own. Homeless camps, more drugs, insecurety, and looking out for number one. I write this now to just record what I wanted you to know...
1) One day you will want to settle down and live. You will want to be independant and own things. You will want to not have to worry where the next meal is coming and just be successful. Staying in school and going to college would have made this simple.
2) The right person is someone that comes along, generally when you are looking the least. Dont be so adement about hooking up that you make bad decisions. You have to learn to be able to fill your own time, love yourself, and be completely comfortable being by yourself, before you can have that successful relationship safe from co-dependancy, and abuse. When things are not right, you leave, as you know that you are ok by yourself.
3) In life there are not that many people you can count on. The people that hang around and make themselves available are most likely the ones that you are true to. However; there will be times when that is wasted on the wrong person. As life goes on you are able to pick these people out better. The main thing to remember as stated above, there are not that many people. So its safe to assume a very small percentage of people you meet, are true friends. Be careful and defensive, but not so much that you do miss the right people.
4) During teens and twenties, there are lots of changes. You are becoming you and all the bad habits you pick up are harder to fix the longer you have them. This is why I was so focused on making sure that you had some direction and looked at, and thought about things such as "every action has a reaction". What you were feeling was not abnormal.
I love my little girl quite a bit. I am hurt that she walked away and I was given the same attention as a passing aquaintence. I have accepted this and hope that when my daughter grasps life and learns these important lessons that she will come back to speak to me.
Thats all for now
